Is it really worth it?

My original piece of raw writing at 50yrs young, 8 years ago, as I embarked on my new uncharted journey as a Retreat Chef. I had to go back to be able to go forwards. In every sense.

‘Is it really worth it’

This was a question posed to me recently by an observer, and not, I might add, a guest client, the day after a 16 hour shift as resident chef on my recent January retreat this year. It resonated with me.

I thought, isn't it funny how others view or perceive what you're doing from their own emotional place, through the eye of their lens. Take my own mother, for example, when I told her of my dream, to give up my secure ‘PAYE' employed job to become a retreat chef. Her immediate response was, ’oh sweetheart, you don't want to chop onions for the rest of your life’. That’s how the physicality of cooking felt and still feels to her today. But it came from a place of love, and I know that.

But this was my dream and one that started eight years ago. I never thought I would be brave enough, understand and love myself so much that I would be right here, right now, doing what I love. My love and passion for creating and sharing my food as a Retreat Chef, was ignited when I was 50yrs young- eight years ago. I want to share my story with you, starting with an excerpt from my original piece of writing. This is what I wrote as part of a self-healing journaling exercise. I did not know it then. It gives me goosebumps as I can see how, even in this raw writing state, how my life has transformed, with food at the heart, my heart and that I am the source. After spending so much of life with my fear holding me back. So here goes……..unabridged.

Chapter one

Ok, so here I am at the airport about to go to Toulouse on a culinary adventure. Chateau Dumas is an eighteenth-century chateau, which nestles in Auty, South West France, near Toulouse. Its professional catering kitchen will be my home for 10 days. My guests - an eclectic international bunch of ladies (and a few gents) enjoying the creative workshops on offer in the heart of the French countryside.

‘Delicious homemade meals using local ingredients is my intro!’

How am I feeling? Scared and excited, that feeling of going into an exam that you have revised for and yet your mind has gone blank. Can I do it? Why am I doing it? The work I put in to get here ... my errant but adorable teenagers. My eldest, at 19, when I told him I was thinking of doing this. His first reaction " who is going to cook my dinner." Bless my boys, hilarious, they were so used to a freshly cooked dinner on the table at 5pm when they came home from school. To the response of my 15 yr. are old " that's great mum you should do it you will be great!" This is code, for anyone who has teenagers, fab - mum out of the way I can do what the hell I like and she is not going to know! To my husband - can he cope with me not running the house and generally making it really untidy and not putting any of my stuff away.... also, not having a dinner ready when he comes home .... his reaction, 'go for it you will be great! Just leave me a list of everything ... cleaners, gardeners, bins out, food in fridge etc’.

So here I am at the airport going into a new country, new kitchen and appliances which may play havoc with the pastry cases I am planning to make when I arrive to get ahead of schedule. Can I do it? The only comfort I have is I have brought my measuring spoons and dry goods weight cone measurer and my trusty file of tested recipes, menu plans, shopping lists and work planning.

Organisation is key and where I am really disorganised in every other area of my life (this involved my husband employing ' you need a Vicky', a house tidier and organiser extraordinaire, to get me sorted and train me to sort the plies of chaos I would build around the house because I could not see the way of tidying and sorting as I went. I leave post unopened, when I do open it I leave it.... very irritating especially when I waste so much time trying to find 3 months worth of bank statements.... you get the picture. Anyway, I digress because when I am in the kitchen I take on a new persona......focussed, prepared, time planned, taste buds deftly seasoning ingredient combinations .... like a conductor with his orchestra ... fine tuning his musicians to create the most beautiful and balanced sound and aural experience for his audience. That's what I try and do ... a culinary extravaganza for the senses.

Since I finally said yes to Lizzie (Chateau Dumas owner and creator and inspiration behind the creative workshops). I have been hard at work much to my family’s excitement ...... lovely smells to come home to and trying new meals- new recipes. Some that have become mainstays in our home - Seared Thai chicken and ginger sweet potato mash, cod fish cakes in tomato sauce, beetroot and walnut salad.... I can carry on.

All the practices, the menu planning, recipe trialling, guinea pig dinner parties, strange shaped fish cakes, an evil tasting squash and lime starter - an Ottolenghi special which proved to be a complete taste disaster; a belly pork presentation conundrum to the amazing Claudia Roden boiled orange and almond cake served with a creme brûlée custard (because I had some left over - yes, they froze well but could only be used as a custard) Thank you to the amazing Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall for his vegetable combinations, the simplicity and unctuous magic of Nigel Slater, the glamour of Nigella, pure taste sensations of Ottolenghi, the simplicity and food as function of the Hemsley sisters, the amazing Jessica Snell and the art and the joy of cooking ahead of time.

The science of letting flavours rest and develop have all helped me on this journey to where I am sitting now out on my 50th year of doing something different. And thanks to Dave .... head chef at our local pub... a voice of reason when it was all getting out of hand. Paring things back to make it simple. The original menu ... ‘blimey, that's a lot of work’, he said. And it was. Lizzie said keep it simple and try not to impress too much. So hopefully what I have with me will do! All tried and tested so I feel as confident as I can be ... just need to deliver and believe in myself.

Can I do it? Of course, I can!

So back to now. Right here, right now. This is where it all began. And has it been worth it? Yes, it most certainly has! I have more to share, as life threw a curve ball which derailed me somewhat. This will be in my next post.

Thank you for reading. Love Sarah

Recipes also in the next post – may not include the evil lime dish I talk about. I must find that now – my own path of curiosity will not rest.